But it is real to me and I am writing about it because I am embarrassed that I can't follow through on so many of my ideas, projects, and goals. My 2 most powerful defense mechanisms are sleep and impulsive behavior. To hide from myself I go to bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. To get momentum to get out of bed I try something new. I jump up with a cool new project or activity in mind and without much thought or planning, dive right in. Watercolor, knitting, web design, teaching, bread baking.
Whatever I am not doing right now must be way easier than whatever I avoided last night. So let's get to it! Spontananty sounds like such a good thing but I use it to hide from the fact that I am not good enough... At anything. And when you are not good enough, why bother? But when you are suddenly learing a new skill like welding it is ok to not be good enough. You are not expected to be good or to complete large projects. How clever. So where does this leave me? With a cluttered studio, a shelf of unfinished journals, a scattered resume, a blog with few followers and on and on.